Live Deliberately

I did something very liberating today; I deleted all of my dating applications! Tinder, Bumble, Match and Plenty of Fish all had a special place on my phone for freaks and geeks alike to get ahold of me. Being 30-something and single is a place I never expected to be.  Much like many little girls, I spent a large portion of my childhood planning my wedding and caring for baby dolls.  I fully expected to be married with children and a white picket fence by 25.  Much to my dismay, this is not the case. This is going to be a long and personal post, hang with me…

I was in a relationship with the love of my life (or so I thought) for 6 years. Like most relationships, there were good days and bad days.  I haven’t always had the best example of what a healthy relationship looks like and he was my first love, so I thought this was normal.  I am a giver. I gave and gave and gave, he took and took and took. The theme lasted throughout the duration of our relationship. All the while, he won me over with his charismatic personality. Although even as I write this, I think to myself, “Why was I in love?” Isn’t it funny… I don’t even know what drew me to him. And here I am, still making excuses for his crappy behavior. Nonetheless, he was my best friend. He made me laugh. He knew me better than anyone. I will always care for him … but that “love” that I thought I had for him is long gone.

The relationship ended a little less than two years ago in true Chad fashion.  We were out to lunch when he told me that he found a job in Hawaii. To say I was shocked is an understatement. He was gone two weeks later. I went through a long period of depression and self-loathing; wondering every day what it was that I did wrong.  I probably went on 25 first dates in the first 3 months of 2017. While a lot of them were comical, I would end up more depressed every time.  Nothing seemed to help. In the summer of 2017 I hit rock bottom and went to see my doctor. My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and depression and I started taking medication for the first time in my life. (side note: I will write another post about living with anxiety and depression. It pisses me off how stigmatized mental health is… If you don’t like it, move on).  In short, the medication helped.

I started to explore what it meant to be Rachel. What made me happy? Ultimately, what helped me the most is learning to let go. Yes, I am finally getting to the point of this post.  I’m not letting go of Chad, or any of my other experiences. These experiences are what has helped shape me into the strong woman who I am.  Instead, I’m letting go of trying to control everything. Nothing is more exhausting than trying to control things that were not in your control to begin with.

Be thankful for your struggles, they are part of who you are.

This is why I woke up this morning and decided that I was going to delete my dating apps. So I’m 32 and alone. So what? Do I want to have a partner to spend this life with? Of course! Who doesn’t?? Do I want to be a mother? More than anything. But the reality is, that at the end of the day, these things are not in my control.  If I am lucky, maybe when I let go of trying to control the uncontrollable, all the rest of the pieces will have the ability to fall into place.

My journey is not over. I don’t know if it ever will be. Happiness is a constant struggle, even for those who are seemingly happy. Everyone struggles. If more people recognized this, maybe the world would be a more forgiving place.

Thank you for letting me share. Be brave, live deliberately and until next time – cheers!

-R

“All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.” – H. Havelock Ellis